In the Great Green Room

In the great green room was a telephone and a RED BALLOON…

This little boy is such a blessing in my life, and I know that having a miscarriage would have been a completely different experience not having him keep me on my toes. Today we went to the library for story time and then to Krispy Kreme for doughnuts. It was like getting to take Scooby out on a date. I loved how he was completely silent as he shoved the doughnut in his mouth and then was covered with so much flaky sugar that I had to take him outside to brush him off.

The library was teaming with impregnated women and strollers with chubby sleeping babies and kids all spaced a perfect two years apart. While it would be so easy to resent other women and families simply because they remind me of my loss, I can’t live there. I feel like God has so richly blessed my life and he has given Joe and I exactly what we need. It is impossible to look at a woman and know the pain and long suffering she has endured to have the child or pregnancy she does. Many of my friends have experienced miscarriage, infertility, having to wait for the right timing or finances, the loss of a child, etc.

Joe and I were talking about how living in close community with friends can be a double edged sword at times. Community provides an amazing source of support. They mourn with you and celebrate with you and lift you up in prayer. The downside is that it can also be a source of pressure to conform to a timing and plan than may not coincide with God’s timing and plan for your life. I feel a twinge of desperation to play catch up and make sure that second child comes along soon and that I am not left with only one kid before friends get started on round three. How childish and selfish it that? It just blows me away. I also am terrified of having another miscarriage, so that leaves me wishing I could not think about it at all.

As far as moving on and dealing with grief, I feel that whatever loss I have felt has been answered by gain in Christ. Whether it’s through notes from family and friends saying they have been praying or through spending time in scripture, I feel strengthened and encouraged. Don’t get me wrong… it still feels wrong not being pregnant anymore and I still think about it all the time. I imagine that won’t change anytime soon.