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No, Paige, No! Not Again!
You don’t know how it pains me to bring up this topic again… but for the sake of fairness and honesty, I can’t pretend that everything is just fine. I like to share how I take the bull by the horns and give him a run for his money, but this time the bull’s chasing me, and I think I might be wearing a curly wig and huge clown shoes that are seriously tripping me up. That’s right, here we go on miscarriage. My close friend, whom I tell most everything to, pointed out that whenever she asks how I’ve been doing, I bring up something related to being not-pregnant…
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Three Months Healed
At the passing of each month, I have mixed emotions. While I am a little disappointed to not be pregnant again, I’ll take not being pregnant over having a miscarriage any day. Most of the readings I found said emotional healing takes a good three months. While the emotional healing of the miscarriage seems nearly momentary in the span of my trip down Fertility Lane, the surrendering of my ideals and plans seems nearly as cyclical as the months that go by. Two weeks ago, I had a fleeting thought that I would be okay, satisfied, not disappointed, etc, if I didn’t have any more children. While more would be…
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Still Fighting It
It’s been two months since my discovery of miscarriage at the 12th week of pregnancy. Despite the initial sadness and the recurring fits of envy, I feel like I have been moving on with my life fairly well. Or I thought I had. This month, I was about 80% sure I was pregnant again. I was having headaches and nausea and even felt a little rounder. It’s amazing the power the mind has over the body, because my favorite aunt had her usual impeccable timing. Likely, the headaches were the storm systems moving through and the nausea was my nerves over whether or not I was pregnant. I was a…
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Changing Seasons
Scooby and I have really enjoyed our local public pool this summer. It took him a week or so to warm up to playing, but this afternoon he was taking a running (think toddling) jump into my arms in the adult pool. He’s really kicking his legs, blowing bubbles and is just a little too brave for my liking. I think if the summer were a couple months longer, I’d have that kid doggy paddling laps, maybe even doing the butterfly and treading water for 30 minutes… with his hands behind his back. The pool closing for me marks the end of a beautiful but difficult growing season. One miscarriage…
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Identity Crisis of Faith
In the past 28 months, I’ve been pregnant for just under 50% of the time, with one healthy boy to show for it. Of the time I was not pregnant, I was sleep deprived for about 25-30% of the time. Part of that time was coupled with feeling nearly driven over the edge by insomnia. So to ask me, “are things getting back to normal?”, I’d have to ask you, “normal as in sleep deprived adjusting to being a new mama normal or normal as in pre-hormonal roller coaster normal?”, because I am not sure that I can ever return to normal or even know what my new normal is.…
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The Little Things (Another miscarriage post)
When you think you have moved on from the loss of an unborn child, you can let your guard down and be blindsided by the little things. The jealousy that creeps up has been hardest for me to deal with – you know the kind – a friend finding out the gender of her baby, overhearing a stranger’s pregnancy announcement at the table next to you in a restaurant, seeing a family with four kids all close in age (even if they are pummeling each other and yelling as they cross the parking lot). It is all very confusing. I don’t feel the grief and sorrow from the first week,…
