By a Thread
Several years ago, I found myself longing for a third baby out of a not-so-veiled desire to prolong the season of life, when staying home was a clear sacrifice and justifiable choice as babies have constant demands that either require a full-time parent or part-time hired help. I could see clearly through my intentions and the incorrect belief that I only mattered in as much as I was filling the role of birthing and bathing and patting little booties. I could see my fear of the unknown. As my youngest headed off to kindergarten, I gave myself permission to sit still for the year and not rush to fill the void of those six hours of silence and solitude each day they were in school. That year has become four years of not-so-still solitude as I’ve been volunteering at school and staying busy with teaching part time, gardening, pottery, chickens, and running errands for the house and family.
However, with those unscripted years has come the anxiety that I’m being left behind, that I am the wave that stayed to long and watched her potential vanish on the shore. Left behind from what forward movement, I can’t exactly say. As it is, there is nowhere I particularly long to go. When it comes to goals and aspirations, whenever I have really wanted something, I’ve been able to accomplish that thing with hard work and determination. In sixth grade I was terrible at softball, but I wanted to pitch. Why? I suspect there was a measure of vanity. I liked that it meant that I would get to play and touch the ball constantly rather than being relegated to the outfield. I was not quick or skilled enough to man a base. It’s probably the same reason I loved playing catcher as well. I didn’t mind squatting, and I loved trash-talking the batter in the style of Porter from The Sandlot, and I loved that every play involved me. In sixth grade, anyone could play catcher. We were just verging on fast pitch, but in our rec league, the ball was never pitched too fast, and throwing the ball back to the pitcher didn’t require too much strength or accuracy. However, pitching would require fastidious practice. It required precision. I couldn’t do the pinwheel fast pitch, but I could slow pitch across the plate, and after hours and hours of slow pitching to my dad in the front yard, I got to pitch a game for an inning. I even caught a drive straight at my face out of pure reflex. And once I had pitched that game, I was good, I was done. Check mark the box.
So what if what we need goes against the grain of what we’ve always thought we should do? There is freedom to take the elements we love and release those we don’t, use the gifts we’ve been given and build into other people without having to reach the ledges or climb the series of ladders we’ve falsely believed were ours to climb. One of my favorite versus in scripture is John 3:8, “The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit”. The truth is, no one can give us permission to let go, but if we long to be blown by the wind, we can’t cling to fear. It’s impossible to reinvent ourselves if we are still conforming our minds to an ideal of who we should have been. No one can pry our fingers from whatever we have them wrapped them around. It has to be our decision to evaluate when to climb and when to drop — when to reform and when to demolish.
I make a lot of bowls at the potter’s wheel, and sometimes I fuss with something until it’s what I had in mind, force it to conform to the form in my head, but during the process, the piece has gone through changes and failures that will most certainly be pronounced after firing and alter the shape from what I intended. I’m learning to either start over or allow the piece to take on a new form. Ultimately, what is needed is a little imagination. Talking to a friend tonight, it hit me that often my own fear is just a lack of imagination. Eventually those waves that linger too long do make it back out to the ocean. Their path may take a little longer, but they do arrive.