Three Months Healed

At the passing of each month, I have mixed emotions. While I am a little disappointed to not be pregnant again, I’ll take not being pregnant over having a miscarriage any day. Most of the readings I found said emotional healing takes a good three months. While the emotional healing of the miscarriage seems nearly momentary in the span of my trip down Fertility Lane, the surrendering of my ideals and plans seems nearly as cyclical as the months that go by.

Two weeks ago, I had a fleeting thought that I would be okay, satisfied, not disappointed, etc, if I didn’t have any more children. While more would be fun, I already feel so blessed. Have you ever experienced that time period before you end a relationship when you start cutting off your heart in preparation for the split? I’m not sure that I am truly okay with it, or if I am just revving up my heart for what might not be ahead. I’d like to claim that I had enough faith and satisfaction in God to really take things as they came, but honestly, I still like being in control. If I cannot control my circumstances, I can at the very least control and prepare my reaction to them.

I don’t think I feel sorry for myself, nor do I want pity. The present time is absolutely wonderful. It’s the fear of the future and the what ifs that I find difficult. What if what I really want doesn’t happen? What if time just slips on by? I had the same fears about marriage while I was single, and I made myself pretty miserable over them. Personally, I have no desire to live my entire life in that mindset. Fear of future dissatisfaction hinders my ability for present satisfaction and enjoyment. I guess I will keep evaluating my heart and praying for that to be transformed.

Meanwhile, I am enjoying new personal liberties. Scooby tags along on walks without a stroller! I get to attend a pottery class Wednesday nights and will soon get another chunk of studio time at NCSU on Tuesday mornings. Scooby is eating more on his own and communicating his needs and wants more clearly. There is much less frustration around here because of those simple changes. This part of the world is cooling off a little, and being outside is refreshing. Life is just very sweet right now.