Red Light/Green Light – When to Try Again

It has been two weeks since my d&c. The meeting with my doctor went as well as could be expected. The pathology and my post-op exam did not show any abnormalities. My doctor said that while some doctors recommend waiting until after the first cycle before trying to get pregnant for time to heal but primarily to be able to determine the due date, he was of the mindset that the body is ready when it’s ready (and won’t allow a pregnancy until it is ready), and he wasn’t too concerned about being able to determine the due date. This was a surprise to me as I was expecting to be told to wait three cycles or one cycle at the very least.

When to try – that is the question. I wish I had not miscarried but currently do not wish to be pregnant. This may sound like a contradiction but not when you think of it in terms of the baby and the condition of being pregnant as two separate entities. I am sad to have lost my baby, but I do not long for pregnancy again just for the sake of being pregnant. It is a little strange after a miscarriage to say, “I lost the pregnancy.” Really, I lost a baby. Saying, “I lost the pregnancy” makes it feel like less of a loss to me. Were I to get pregnant again, I would certainly be excited about the new child. Can the two really be separated like that? I’m not sure that they can, but it’s working for me right now and may completely change tomorrow.

Anyhow, I am not pregnant and do not currently wish to be pregnant (today at least), but I do not feel like we should actively try to prevent another child from entering our lives. See my previous post on faith, fertility, and motherhood for more discussion. I have read that three months is the normal period for mourning over the loss of a baby before 20 weeks (aka a miscarriage), and I have a fear of getting my heart hurt again by another loss. I am struggling to see where trusting in God intersects with taking physical measures to care of my body and emotional health, so I guess Joe and I are left with prayer and seeking His wisdom.

This does not mean I am going to trust God to give me a healthy pregnancy or to temporarily prevent a pregnancy. There are several women in the Bible that God does promise babies to; I however, have not been made such a promise yet – about my pregnancy with Scooby, the two miscarriages, or about the next one. I am not going to trust God to work out my own wishes and desires. Plainly and simply – I am going to trust God. I trusted God with the last one, and though I lost the baby, I still can say and believe that God is good and He is working the miscarriage for good. I believe that God has better plans for my future than I could even dream to invent, and Christ has already died for me out of his love and desire to reconcile me to God, which is proof enough that He deserves my trust.