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The Myth of the Highest Calling
When I was trudging through my first pregnancy, what caught me off guard wasn’t all the strange physical changes that overtook my body or the people who felt the liberty to bowl through my carefully constructed arm’s length bubble of comfort to make friendly with their hands on my belly. What caught me off guard was the way my self-perception so drastically changed. The week before I got the double pink line on the pee stick, I’d walked across the stage of the RBC center with triple lines on my sleeves indicating the three levels of hell I’d walked to earn my PhD in Engineering. The year leading up to…
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Post PPD, Church, and the Struggle to Believe
My feelings towards my church of 10+ years are ambiguous at best. Where I’ve landed today is with gratitude for and love of my immediate community of believers, those I’ve held close and who have done the same with me, yet disengagement with and distrust of my church. I won’t say exactly what events have led to this place, but I know the ache in my heart I feel over those on the fringe – those whose marriage status, gender, age, personal struggles, season of doubt, past sins or current sins feel less than – not in the eyes of Jesus of course, but in their value to the church.…
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Well, It Sounded Like a Good Idea
Hi. I’m back. So if you’ve been following my journey through Postpartum Depression, either through my random texts or emails to you or through occasional Twitter posts, you know that it’s an ongoing process. I don’t know when PPD is technically over and the woman is just left dealing with crazy. However, over the past month I felt I’d arrived and last week decided to go off medication. I was already on a fairly low dose, so I figured tapering down to zero would be no problem. I. Flipped. A Lid. Who knows why. Maybe I needed to slow down the process or maybe the cold meds and a house…
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(Don't judge me)
Oh for the love of deep thoughts, where have mine gone!? I think I’ve been struck by a bit of internet shyness. That’s not to say I haven’t written out a post here or there processing PPD and my sorting through thoughts on ending treatment. I just haven’t hit “PUBLISH POST”. Do you know what that tells me? I’m at a cross roads and I’m not sure what I think of my own inclinations. I don’t want to set myself up for judgement or too hastily judge myself. Do you ever process your life via written word, only to go back and read it and realize you were being totally…
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Postpartum Depression Check-in
In a mere six months I’ve gone from being a self-proclaimed hermit to having a burgeoning social life, thanks to treatment for postpartum depression and this new community group through my church. In some ways, I’m not sure I recognize myself, except during the moments after an intense gathering (like last night’s Super Bowl party) where I wonder if it just might come crashing down around me. Everything seems to be escalating right now – Wookie’s mobility, Scooby’s energy level, business during the week, my girl time, and even physical activity. Even sleep, though it is still come and go, seems to be easier to come by. Where I am…
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A Seat at the Table
This morning, our good friend Thom preached on being the adopted and sons and daughters of God. The part of his talk that really grabbed me was his discussion on how we write ourselves off as undeserving, unwanted or less than at His table. Several weeks back, I was dining at Magiano’s with a group of women to celebrate my friend’s birthday. There were sixteen of us laughing and talking as if we were the oldest of friends, and amazingly enough we managed to all agree on two appetizers, salads and main courses to share family style. Six months prior, I would have felt completely inferior and too socially inadequate…
