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Thoughts
My husband has no recollection of ever having sobbed in his life, so yesterday evening when I was trying to explain how my bouts of depression felt, there was a clear disconnect in my ability to communicate. “Have you ever cried really hard? Like where your whole body is heaving?” “No.” “Okay, well…. that’s how it felt.” It was maybe Friday when my body and my spirit felt as if I’d just spent hours doubled over crying, only I hadn’t been. There was nothing to be sad about in that moment, but I felt emotionally drained and broken. Of course it passed. New days bring new feelings, new weather, new…
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The Myth of the Highest Calling
When I was trudging through my first pregnancy, what caught me off guard wasn’t all the strange physical changes that overtook my body or the people who felt the liberty to bowl through my carefully constructed arm’s length bubble of comfort to make friendly with their hands on my belly. What caught me off guard was the way my self-perception so drastically changed. The week before I got the double pink line on the pee stick, I’d walked across the stage of the RBC center with triple lines on my sleeves indicating the three levels of hell I’d walked to earn my PhD in Engineering. The year leading up to…
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Post PPD, Church, and the Struggle to Believe
My feelings towards my church of 10+ years are ambiguous at best. Where I’ve landed today is with gratitude for and love of my immediate community of believers, those I’ve held close and who have done the same with me, yet disengagement with and distrust of my church. I won’t say exactly what events have led to this place, but I know the ache in my heart I feel over those on the fringe – those whose marriage status, gender, age, personal struggles, season of doubt, past sins or current sins feel less than – not in the eyes of Jesus of course, but in their value to the church.…
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Sunny Saturday in January – Break from the Winter Blues
Oh this weather! We spent nearly our entire Saturday outside and in the garage. I sat out on the bricks in the garden and rolled up my sweatpants hoping a little sunshine would chase those winter blues away. The boys went straight to digging and playing with water. Up until yesterday, I was wary about the upcoming garden season. Anticipating all the fuss and labor exhausted me. Bed sheets and pillows are so seductive. The thought crossed my mind that I could conquer the world — if only I could get out of bed. At one point I crawled back into bed, ready to resign myself to a post-lunch comatose…
