The Professor of Poop

Let’s all do the group groan… yes, you knew it was bound to come at some point – Wookie’s first poop story.

My number one job is mom, but my number two job (bahahaha) is Adjunct Assistant Professor of Bio and Ag Engineering. Several weeks back I was approached by one of my students to serve on her graduate committee, and after hesitating and throwing the “I have a baby and toddler” excuse, she told me just to bring them along. Have you ever tried to have a two year old sit still for an hour? HERDING CATS. The first meeting came around and Scooby had school, so it was looking to be a semi-sane meet and greet with the committee to hear all about the project.

Babies never ever poop during that ten minute window where you are not distracted and can tend to their business. They do, however, always wait until ten minutes in to get things going. I sat listening and nodding to the chair of the committee who was explaining the background details of the research, when I felt the vibrations in my lap. Never mind that it was hardly audible, there was plenty visual evidence of Wookie’s undertakings when I lifted him to scope out minor leaks. HIS SIDE WAS ORANGE.

At this point, I spread his blanket on the carpet next to the trash can as I tried to maintain modesty in my knee length split denim skirt. As I begin to unbutton his jumper, I debate back and forth “Do I wipe his side and leg before removing the diaper or after? What do I do with the clothes? Nope the blanket now isn’t salvageable either.” I pull out a spare trash bag from the bottom of the can, all the while smiling and nodding as the chair continues to talk. I stripped Wookie down peeling the jumper down rather than over the head, wiping him as I go, dumped the jumper in the trash bag, dumped the diaper and wipes in the can, and got him a fresh diaper before dumping the blanket in the bag and stuffing the bag in the bottom of the stroller, where PRAISE THE LORD there was an extra onesie (probably dirty and used to wipe spit-up two weeks ago).

Ya’ll, I pulled off a major diaper blowout with grace and dignity I didn’t know I was capable of. I resisted the urge to yell “HOLY CRAP!” and swivel Wookie around in the air to show off the mess. Granted, my student who could see it all maintained wonderful composure as well, because if she had even hinted at a smile I might have cracked up, thus derailing the meeting. In the words of Lightning McQueen, “KA-CHOW!”